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God: I’ve already put in the scriptures that the Earth hangs upon nothing, over empty space [Job 26:7] – and let’s face it, how is that not obviously and irrefutably divinely revealed scientific knowledge about the nature of the universe?

Divine Council: Well, you also told them that the Earth sits upon pillars [1 Sam 2:8].

God: No, no. That one’s just metaphorical.

Divine Council: Oh. And the other one’s not?

God: No. The other one’s scientific fact. It’s – you know – hanging in … in space.

Divine Council: Well, how are people meant to tell the difference?

God: Well – the ones that are correct are facts and the ones that aren’t correct are just metaphors, of course!

– NonStampCollector, “What Would Jesus NOT Do?” (4:46–5:15)